Seasons Change & Time Passes
Autumn is one of my favorite times of the year and has arrived in all of her glory with so many beautiful colors. I always wish it would last so much longer than it does. My sweet babes are approaching their birthdays and I can't help but pinch myself for how blessed I am to be their mama. I have been having the urge to have another baby.. I feel like I should be pregnant and waiting for another little blessing to come. I am not. Our plate is full right now and we are enjoying where we are at. However, I have been reminiscing over these past 8 years of trying to have a baby and then finally having my two sweet babes.
Prior to having Selah and Grayson, Micah and I had 4 years of miscarriages and fertility treatments that left me heart broken and depressed. At one point I really did not think that carrying a baby to full term would be in the cards for Micah and I.
When we got pregnant with Selah I was so excited but would not let myself fully embrace her coming until third trimester... The risk of grieving another loss felt too risky for my heart. High doses of Progesterone, daily shots of blood thinners in my stomach, thighs, and behind left me bruised,moody, and so afraid... Weekly ultrasounds, lots of anti nausea meds due to constant emesis, and 2 months of bedrest due to low fluid left me anxious to have this precious baby girl... I look back on the experience now and it seems like a blink of the eye.... the time has flown by and I would do it all over again.
20 hours of labor and 5 1/2 hours of hard pushing left me completely depleted, but the joy of the nurse putting her on my chest was like nothing I had ever felt... it was the best feeling of my life... I wept and wept and wept... All the loss, pain, and heartache made her arrival that much sweeter...
Pain and loss have been my greatest teacher and have given me the gift of gratitude. I don't take things for granted like I used to. There are no guarantees and life is not easy for anyone.
I was unsure if we would have another baby after Selah, and low and behold... we got pregnant with Grayson and he was the greatest surprise and pure joy. They actually had the same due date but are a week apart to the day.. His labor was a swift 2 1/2 hours with 15 minutes of pushing and was far more acutely intense but oh so fast and then done. He has grown so much quicker physically and verbally with having an older sister to nurture and boss him around. I can't believe my baby boy is approaching 2 years old already.. Life goes by way too fast for this mama. These two peanuts have taught me so much about myself, I often see the little girl in me in Selah,.... Its quite eye opening and humbling.
I see how pure their love is, and how forgiving their hearts are when I am not giving them my best self. They love fiercely and forgive easily, they do not judge, they pursue and engage with others that may be different.
God has revealed so much to me through my kids. I learn some of the most valuable life lessons through them. God has given Micah and I some amazing gifts through pain and struggle but the fruit of it is priceless. It has been a privilege to be their mama. Blessings to you all as we approach a new season with new adventures and struggles.
Love,
Holly